Skyward eyes and half lived lives
by pyxap
Summary: my first fic. its cam oriented. Special appearances from another iCarly character. OOC behaviors, and situations centers around depression. Rated for language and drug use.


**(My first story so be gentle lol warning: use of explicit language, underage drinking and adult situations. With the drug use I know there is a time limit to being able to pump drugs out of your stomach before it's too late depending on the type of drugs and amount taken so you don't need to point that out I'm not going for facts in this story lol)**

It started how everything usually starts I guess. There's been too many shitty days, and too many times of staying out of the crowd and sitting on the sidelines. Here I am a 19 yrs old attractive enough chick I think, no real friends which is my fault for my antisocial ways, with relationships that go no way at neck breaking speed, and no family. I am alone in this world and its suffocating me. Its late night, I'm in a hot god forsaken hole in a wall, oh my god I need a tetanus shot for even standing in the place kind of place, club on rave night. I'm up against one of the far walls people watching and downing my umm I forgot what number drink and I'm in full on fuck the world mode which is just below the belligerent mark and 1 notch above slurring my words. As water drips on my shoulder from the ceiling from what I'm assuming is from their crappy air conditioning pipes or something I've decided I'm done with the constant struggle to stay afloat in this world and decide tonight is the night I throw in the towel.

I head to the bathroom walking as calmly as I can appear and with minimal staggering. I shoulder open the door to the bathroom and walk in. The first thing I'm hit with is me, well the mirrors image of me. I listen for anyone in the john and check the stalls to make sure. Now or never now or never I'm thinking as I look in the mirror. I step back and actually for the first time today 'looked' at myself. There I stood in all my average everyday shmoe glory, normal facial features, shaggy blonde hair, red eyed, clothed in a striped black and white hoodie, black shirt and dark denim jeans with tears all in them not for fashion more like pant leg getting caught on a loose nail and the bottom of my jeans shredded away from rolling over the back of my low top shoes while I walked. 'shit they let me in here looking like this, damn this place is seedy' I say as I stare up at the ceiling and then regret it cause it just looks fucking nasty 'when was this place last inspected'. Shoving my hands into pocket I exhale deeply as I pull out a fistful of what I'm looking for. I force myself to look into the mirror again staring into my own eyes 'fuck, how did it get this far?' I say to myself as I look down at my opening hand and look at the handful of pills. I shove them in my mouth because I know as much courage as I might have there was a time limit to when it gives out and it's now or never now or never, I turn of the faucet and cup my hand to the speaker and drink deeply swallowing all the pills gradually and with one last gulp of water I stand up straight, turn off the faucet and walk out the door.

'3 hrs tops' I mumble. Now or never now or never, I shove my way into the rapids of the dance floor and feel the currents of music beat my chest and ears with its rhythm and I'm living, I'm finally living no more fly on the wall it's now or never. I dance through and around people laughing and jumping and shouting and I feel free I feel happy, holy shit I'm happy. 1 hour in and my legs give from under me and the grounds coming at me too fast for me, my reaction is not fast enough just then two people catch me and help me to a table nearby "whoa slow down" the guy says laughing at me and I laugh back when I realize who it is "thanks Gibby just the lights and alcohol is making me a little dizzy I just need a break" I say with a smile and its one of the easiest realist smiles of my life and it feels good. He shakes his head in understanding while his dance partner makes her way back to the dance floor with him not far behind.

As I sit alone smiling it hits me I feel it now, the regret and uncertainty of what I'm doing, what I've done "not now, not now" I tell myself as my vision blurs and eyes begin to rollback. Focus! 2hrs left focus that's all I need to do just focus and enjoy this moment I look up and I realize I'm being watch by a really nice looking girl 2 tables away. I don't know how long I stare but I know its way past the point of being rude but I don't care because she's staring too. My chest hearts as I study her face slowly. I focus on her and only her. She has brown hair and her frown lines rivaled her smile lines, my eyes traced her lips and her dark eyebrows, and her eyes. Those big brown eyes and the way they look as if to say something. I know what they are saying I know it, I know I do I just can't get my mind to process it. I turn away because I want to know her, I want to love her and that's just not in the plan tonight. As I get up to go back to the dance floor I stop myself instead I got up, walked to her table and asked her to dance with me which was replied to with a quick nod of her head.

I lead her to the middle of the floor where we danced. No expectations, no demands just enjoying each other's company I'm smiling more than I have in my whole life It just wasn't in the cards for me and her so ill take this dance and store in the jar of "what could have been". My chest hurts. I stop moving my legs I feel that hopeless feeling that's hounded me all my life rearing its head but I fortify myself before I collapse. As I Sharply look up to see if its notice I see her dancing so lively and smiling so brightly I break out into a smile again. I know I'm pushing it now it's around that time; I have to make my exit. As I straighten myself my attention is caught my a soft hand grabbing my forearm as my eyes follow the length of the delicate hand from arm to shoulder, to neck, to chin, lips, nose then finally eyes I'm hit with the need to breathe. I twitch a little under the scrutiny of this beautiful brown haired stranger's eyes and my chest hurts. I smile genuinely and tell her an easy lie "thanks for the dance but I should really get going I have to get up in a few hours for work. Maybe I'll meet you here again to tear up the dance floor, same time tomorrow maybe?" and she looks at me and I feel her eyes seething through my cowardly soul and with a small sad smile she nods yes 'she knows, oh god she knows' I think to myself as I look in her eyes and I can see me and her together, happy within those eyes of hers and reality hit me. I know it's too late I'm just cutting my losses and leaving. "Ok" I say nodding and backing up, I turn around and head to the exit as I'm leaving I look back once more and there she is a solid stone it the rapids of people watching me leave and we have eye contact once more and at that moment I'm certain of it, she knows I'm never coming back.

Pushing my way out the club into the early morning air with the last ounce of courage I have I take my phone out my back pocket and throw it against the side of the wall. I lean on building after building for support as I walk farther into the deserted part of the warehouse district until I'm satisfied with the distance from people. I sit on the ground leaning against one of the buildings walls. I think of my night of living and smile then I think of her and smile harder as tears run down my face. I stare skyward counting stars till I can't anymore my eyes roll back and forth and I don't struggle I let it happen. I feel a soft hand grabbing my forearm as my eyes snap into focus fighting the sleepiness to follow the length of the delicate hand from arm to shoulder, to neck, to chin, lips, nose then finally eyes I'm hit with the need to breathe…..again. "hey" she says and my chest hurts, I muster a weak hey in response then it dons on me this is the first time she's verbally interacted with me tonight and I replay her voice in my head, 'slightly husky but melodic voice' I think to myself. I smile softly and my eyes rollback and forth suddenly but I fight it cause I'm wanting to focus but just can't. Her hand moves from my arm and notice the loss of my warmth immediately and I'm saddened. I feel her hand cup my chin and lift my face so my eyes are to her eye level and I'm lost one again in her eyes. My chest hurts and I feel my anger rise once more at this world, at my life and it's just not fair. My one night of living I meet someone worthwhile and my nights almost up 'stroke of midnight and I'm turning into a pumpkin' I muse to myself at how fate works. She smiles softly at me and I smile sadly back at her. She leans into my neck and inhales deeply as I close my eyes, leaning a little forward I nuzzle into her hair and inhale deeply. "Another time and place, we could have been?" I ask softly as she pulls back from me.

I lean back against the wall eyes still closed and I hear a beeping noise then I feel her breathe on my face and finger tips of her right hand on my lips. "No" was her reply I stilled for what could have been a full minute and registered what she said. She's denying me? It's just my luck to leave this world with more heart break? As I open my mouth to ask what she meant when without warning she quickly shove her index and middle finger in my mouth trigger my gag reflex. As my eyes fly open with the question of "what the hell are you doing?" in them her only response was "the time and place is now" more tears flood my face as I roll to my side and break out in sobs as I violently wretch up the pills "well that was surprising" I say in-between dry heaves. "Shh" she coos in my ear. I can't avoid the flood of tears even with my attempt to abort them jokes, my levy of emotions break and I'm a crying mess and yet I'm feeling soothed. She lays on the pavement behind me and curls up, molding herself to my back. "I'm tired, I'm so tired" I hear myself saying and I can't believe I said it but she soothes me some more then says "I know, we are all weary of the world and its ways. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. You and I can join forces and figure it out together huh? Sounds good?" I chuckle and reply "yeah" we sit in silence another ten minutes staring at the stars and I feel the urge to do this with her forever.

I'm sleepy but she's keeping me awake and just as I was preparing to ask for her name and possibly if she was ok with it her number as well then I remember where and in the condition I left my phone and laugh. "Carly" I hear her say I look up at her confused at the meaning when she explained "Carly, my name is Carly" A taxi pulls up and I try to shake off my 'oh'' expression and I respond "my name is Sam, nice meeting you joy" I smile. She smirks back at me and says "my hearts broken too, follow me home Sam". She opened the taxi door and slides to the far side I follow her lead and slide in too and we go to her place. After hours of staying awake to her satisfaction she let me crash on her couch.

I woke up to find her snuggled against me with the distant sound an old show I watched as a kind. My eyes scan the coffee table landing on box dvd sets of girly cow "girls got taste" I whisper to know one in particular. By the brightness of the sun streaming into her apartment I assumed it was the late afternoon. I stared at her sleeping form and I knew my life had finally began and last night my first of experiencing more than sorrow was a final wake up call to almost missing this moment.

After note: (7 months in the future) It's late night, I'm in a hot god forsaken hole in a wall, oh my god I need a tetanus shot for even standing in the place, club on rave night and Carly and I are on the dance floor. Jumping, smiling, yelling our heart out, and I'm thinking the universe has made up for a lot of shit in my life by giving me her as I grab her and pull her into a hug "Mrs. Shay-Puckett how about we go home and watch what's left of the stars". "Sure, I can do that Mr. Puckett-Shay" she replies and she leans into me.

_Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars_


End file.
